Soli
by Sabrina Empress of Insanity
Summary: Quatre reminisces about the war, the friendships that have faded, and Trowa...3X4 of course!, masquerading in Solo as 2X4...but not
1. Solo

Author's Note: Wheeeeee! This is what happens when I watch Endless Waltz while drinking orange juice that I SUCCESSFULLY made! Hee-chan is orange juice, I tell ya! He won't stop exploding unless I put on either a scene that just screams 1X2 goodness or put Duo on nonstop.....anyway, that's another story. THis story is NOT 1X2 or related to orange juice in any way. It's more like I finally figured out how to write the nice little 3X4 fic I've wanted to do forever. Hey, you can't deny it isn't there! Quatre only has eyes for my flute playing baby! DON'T DENY IT!  
  
...maybe I'll do humor next. Then these ANs won't seem so out of place. And as an additional disclaimer, I never claimed to be able to write GW fanfiction well. I only did that with Esca and FY ^_^.;;  
  
  
_Disclaimer:_ _I do not own Gundam Wing or any of it's characters. Which is really too bad, because that means I'm a thief, and every time the boys yell that from my closet they're telling the truth. I must purchase this show, then I can make them shut up and get back to making them amuse me from within my closet.  
  
  
_  
I'm worried about Heero.  
  
Duo's eyes were dark with concern as he looked at me. I made myself answer. We all are, Duo. But I think he'll be fine, really. The war has been over for almost a year now, and he's seemed fine when you've talked to him, hasn't he?  
  
Duo admitted. He's just been so quiet, though.  
  
He always is. My chest tightened for a moment, and I made my mind go blank of all thoughts except cheering up Duo. If you talked to Trowa and he was quiet, you wouldn't think a thing of it, right?  
  
Duo cracked a smile. I'd be more shocked if the Silent One said more than three words to me at a time.  
  
_I'd be glad to even get that much. _Exactly. It's just who he is. Heero's the same. He just doesn't open up as much. And really, he seems to be happier now that the war is over when I talk to him. He might not know what to do with himself, but he's not trying to destroy humanity, and that seems to be more important to him right now.  
  
Duo looked at me, expression considerably more cheerful. Yeah, you're right. I'm just worrying about nothing. Guess I was just worried because once we toast these babies, there's no going back. He waved a hand carelessly at the back of the craft towards where our Gundams were stored.  
  
Don't worry about it. Heero will be fine. Everything's fine.  
  
_Except for Trowa. I don't know how he's doing. I never did...  
  
_Yeah, he will. Duo grinned, already his usual cheerful self again, and leaned back in his seat. I'm gonna sleep for a bit, all right?  
  
Sure thing. I stood up. I'll be right back, then.  
  
Duo flashed me a thumbs-up, eyes closed, and I headed towards to back of the ship.  
  
_Lucky Duo. He can tell what Heero's thinking. And he's so good at looking on the bright side. I wish I could do that more often. Or confide in someone. I wouldn't feel right telling Duo, I'm _his_ confidant, he's not mine. Heero's out of the question...and I don't think Wufei's the right person to tell this sort of thing to. He's too serious, anyway, even if....even if this were a different situation. And Trowa...I can't tell Trowa. I don't even know what he's thinking most of the time. He might not even care.  
  
I'm just so worried....  
  
_I sat down amidst the cargo, and pulled my violin from it's spot tucked safely behind some piping. I normally didn't carry it with me except on longer voyages...this wouldn't take very long at all, so why had I bothered? Duo was sleeping, he didn't need me practicing and waking him up. He never particularly seemed to like listening to me play anyway. If Trowa had come along...  
  
I pushed that thought away, but it kept slipping into the front of my mind. _If Trowa were here, he'd join in. But he didn't come. He's busy with Catherine's circus. Who would have guessed it? Trowa doesn't really strike you as the clown type...then again, I never would have figured him for a musician, either, but he's amazing. I've never had that much fun playing duets before. We sounded great together. I never would have thought...then again, maybe I should have. His lips set naturally like a flautists, and when he speaks or even when he smiles-how ever often _that_ happens!-you can tell, if you know what to look for.  
  
I think...how often have I seen him smile? That's beside the point. I like Duo, we're great friends, but I wish Trowa would have come. Even if Duo were sleeping, he wouldn't mind waking up to that music. I bet even Heero and Wufei would enjoy it. I just love playing with him...listening to all the emotion I never see or hear any other time around him, watching him move to the music, seeing his lips perfect against...against...  
  
_Thought ceased. I stared at the violin case I held for a moment, then hugged it to my chest, closing my eyes. _Trowa...  
  
  
  
  
_  
Everyone seems to think of Duo and I as the cheerful ones, so I suppose it makes sense that we've gotten so close. We sort of gravitated towards each other even while we were getting closer to the others-him to Heero, me to Trowa, neither of us to Wufei but I doubt he minded. What Duo told me that one night certainly made me stop feeling guilty about not really knowing him.  
  
Explain this to me again....why did you drag me out of bed in the middle of the night?  
  
Duo let out a long-suffering sigh. Because Wufei would kill me, Heero would kill me and then try to kill himself for no reason whatsoever, and Trowa's your friend, not mine. You're the only one who wouldn't seriously hurt me, or mind me dragging you out of bed int he middle of the night. Right?  
  
Of course I don't mind, but...  
  
Good. You're good at making tea, right?  
  
Well, yes, but...  
  
I've got everything ready. You make the tea. I'll probably blow something up.  
  
I suppose looking back on it that was the night I really realized how much I trusted Duo, because he made it very clear that he trusted me. That's probably why I told him, however unintentional it was.  
  
Duo made a face into the teacup. You know, I've never been big on this stuff.  
  
Try it. It's very relaxing.  
  
Sometimes you're so relaxed, Quatre, I can't stand you. Still, he took a quick sip from the cup. He paused, then took another drink. Hey, you're not bad at this.  
  
Thank you. I've had a lot of practice. I sat and picked up my own cup. _If I'm going to be up all night, I suppose things could be worse. Good think Duo picked something that won't put me to sleep._   
  
Although I had my suspicions that he'd just pulled out something that didn't look too green.   
  
As I set down my cup again, I noticed Duo looking at me strangely. What is it?  
  
How do you do that?' he asked in a strained voice. And without trying?  
  
I blinked, and looked down. Oh..I just naturally sit in full lotus now, I guess. It's habit. Meditation. You see?  
  
Duo shook his head. It looks painful. You're so weird, Quatre.  
  
  
  
Duo shrugged. You're one of us, but you're so incredibly nice and understanding and completely...at peace, I guess, with everything. Nothing ruffles you. You play violin, you meditate, you _like_ tea, and it just doesn't fit.  
  
This is really quite comfortable, though. I could show you-  
  
Duo laughed. There you go. You're probably the only one who acts your age out of all of us.  
  
I took another sip of tea. Heero, Trowa, and Wufei really are too serious. But you aren't, usually.  
  
Yeah, I'm the kid here. He grinned. Guess that's why we get along so well, huh?  
  
I smiled back. We're the only ones who can have fun, you mean?  
  
If you weren't so damned composed all the time, yep. He glanced down into his cup, surprised. Hey, it's empty. Got any more?  
  
That would be what the teapot is for. I poured him another cup and sat back again.  
  
Makes sense. Hey, you know Wufei was asking a bunch of questions about us?  
  
No, actually. Why would he do that?  
  
Duo shrugged, then made a face as several long strands of hair fell into his cup. Aw...stupid thing. I need to rebraid it.  
  
I leaned forward, curious. I don't think I've ever seen you without your braid. How long is your hair, anyway?  
  
Duo grinned slyly. You can see firsthand, but you're putting it back in.  
  
I laughed. All right, deal. This should be really fun.  
  
You say that because you don't have to braid it every day.  
  
And I never will. I set to work unraveling the long rope of hair, and turned back to our earlier conversation. So what was Wufei asking?  
  
Ah, you know him. Just a bunch of stuff about where we came from, where our loyalties lie, that sort of thing. Then he got weird. I could hear the frown in his voice. He started asking about what we do when were off together with the others there, why we get along so well, and the next thing I know he's asking ...  
  
He suddenly started laughing. He's asking if you're my girl now!  
  
I blinked, then frowned. Wait, why am I the girl?  
  
Duo leaned forward, pulling the start of the braid from my hands, and laughed harder. I smiled and joined in. Where did he get that idea?  
  
Duo somehow managed to stop laughing enough to wheeze out an answer. No idea. I asked him if someone'd hit him over the head or something. He snorted. How out there is that, huh? No way!  
  
I stifled another laugh. Well, I suppose I could see where he thought of that. We do spend a lot of time together.  
  
Yeah, but still! Duo peered over his shoulder at me and I went back to braiding. I mean, you're a friend and all, but I'm not planning on dropping on you any time soon.  
  
Good to hear it. I'm perfectly happy with Trowa. We're a good fit. I don't think I need to look for anyone else.  
  
Duo's head swiveled in surprise, and I realize what I'd just said. Well, I mean, we're not, you know, a couple or anything, we're just friends...I don't even know what he's thinking half the time...I mean...  
  
Duo stared at me for a moment, then broke into a wide smile and leaned over me. I pushed away from him, startled, and he crawled after me. I seeeeeeeeee...I get it now...don't know how I missed it in the first place....well, well, well.  
  
I stammered.  
  
Duo sat back on his heels and raised his eyebrows, expression smug. Quatre, you have a thing for Trowa Barton, don't you?  
  
  
  
Right. You do. Or you don't, and I'm squeezing Relena on the side. he titled his head, thinking, then shook it. Nope. Don't recall. She's not my type, anyway. So our little Quatre's got a crush!  
  
I blushed, and wished the lights were darker so he couldn't see.   
  
You do! I don't know how the rest of us missed it, especially him. Duo nudged me with his elbow. So how intense is this little relationship, hmm? Is he a good kisser?  
  
My face hurt from the rush of blood to my cheeks. Duo, really!  
  
Duo shrugged, face overly innocent. It's a valid question. He does play flute, after all. I dunno, you're the musician, maybe it's not true, ut I heard wind players had great lips. Have you at least told him?  
  
The blush subsided, and I shook my head. No. I told you, we're just friends. I don't even know if he thinks of me as that, even. He's hard to read.  
  
Duo draped an arm lazily over my shoulder. Yeah, well. You know how to pick em. That guy's tougher to understand than Heero sometimes.  
  
I looked down at my hands, then peeked up at him for a moment. Duo, how do you feel about Heero?  
  
His face changed, became worried. He's my best friend, but I don't know what to think of him. He's so cold...  
  
Duo shook his head, and suddenly the cheer was back. Tell you what, your Trowa is a hell of a lot easier to deal with compared to Heero. You might not know what he'll think of you, but I'm betting he won't go off and brood himself into depressing and try and kill himself after you tell him.  
  
I blinked. True. I suppose-hey, wait!  
  
Duo had stood up, and was picking up the various drinking implements he'd brought. Don't mind me. Why don't you go back to watching your lover boy sleep, hmm?  
  
I blushed again, and covered it by playfully pushing him lightly against the shoulder. I'm not that weird, Duo.  
  
Says you.  
  
  
  
  
  
Back then, all of us were together. We all knew each other more intimately than anyone else. Now, though...I opened my eyes, staring at the Gundams filling the cargo bay. Now we were separate, going our own ways, and only heard from each other by chance. I probably wouldn't have seen Duo for years if he hadn't contacted all of us about this mission of peace.  
  
I wondered how Trowa was doing.  
  
I wondered if he missed me. He was probably too busy with everything: the circus, getting to know Catherine better, making a new life for himself that didn't revolve around Oz or fighting...  
  
I wondered if he knew who he was yet.  
_  
I know who you are. You are Trowa. Not Trowa Barton, a stolen name, not a nameless no one. My Trowa. If I knew you knew that, maybe I wouldn't be so worried. You'd have an identity. Now that the war is over, do you still have one?  
  
_I hugged the violin case tighter. _I don't care who you are. You are who you made yourself, Trowa, the person I thought of as my closest friend, who made people laugh unexpectedly, who never did anything without thinking it through, who surrendered that first time we met, who made such beautiful music with me. Whoever you really are, I never cared. I still don't. I just loved you for you.  
  
_Hey, Quatre, we're almost there. Duo walked in, yawning. I quickly stood up, and put my violin back into its safe place. He blinked at me fuzzily. Whatcha doin' in here?  
  
I was thinking about practicing, but I didn't want to wake you up.  
  
Yeah? Thanks. He stretched, and his eyes began to clear faster. Well, ready to do this?  
  
As soon as we get there.  
  
He walked over to me, and we both stared at the Gundams in silence for a long while before either of us spoke again. Even then, I didn't voice my thoughts. Duo didn't need to worry about me when he was still so concerned over his best friend, no matter how well he masked that concern. I stayed silent, but I couldn't help thinking it.  
  
_Once these are gone, there'll be nothing for me to remember you by. Nothing I can see or touch, anyway.  
  
Do you even remember me, Trowa?_


	2. Bridge

He probably didn't miss me. We were closest to each other than any of the others, but his emotions were always uncertain. He was loyal, no doubt…but loyalty and really caring for someone are completely different things.

"Quatre?" The noodles hanging from Duo's lips made him look eerily like a catfish. "Wha's wron'?"

"Hmm? Nothing."

He swallowed and pointed at my plate. "You're not eating. And don't tell me you're not hungry, you were ravenous when you cooked this." He frowned thoughtfully. "And don't say anything about it not tasting right because I think it's fine. You can cook. It can't be that."

I looked at him blankly for a moment, then brought up the bowl closer to me. "All right, I'll eat. I was thinking."

Duo smiled evilly, "What about?"

"What our lives are going to be like once we get rid of these things. There won't be any going back, then." I stared at my bowl, not really seeing anything. "We won't have anything left to show what we did except memories."

Duo blinked, and looked away. "So, that's what's been bothering you this trip."

"What? It isn't you?"

"Quatre, you know it isn't. I don't like worrying about this sort of stuff." Duo leaned forward. "Look, the war's been over for a year, right? There's no need to hang on to all the things that remind the world of war."

"That's true."

Duo looked at me in silence for a long while. I barely noticed until he spoke again voice soft. "You don't want to loose that."

I started. "What? Loose what?"

"The things that remind us it all was real."

I shook my head. "No, Duo, you don't understand. I'm glad we have peace now. I-"

"I know that, you idiot. But…well, look." Duo frowned in concentration. "All right. You and I are obviously still pretty close. I end up hanging around Heero all the time still. Wufei…well, we haven't heard from him in a while, but he was never one to let people get to close to him. Even still, we know about where he is and how to find him. Trowa's going from place to place."

"I know that." I set down my bowl, still full, annoyed. 

'Quatre, hear me out." Duo wasn't looking at me anymore. His voice was deadly serious. "The thing here is, with Heero, you, and I, we're there to remind each other it's real. We're proof that everything happened just by existing after it ended. Next time we talk to Wufei, it's the same thing. But you never know where Trowa is. You have to wait for him to contact you. You can't see him. If he ever forgets to get in touch, it's like he never existed.'

I clenched my fists under the table, hoping I sounded more convinced than I felt. "He won't forget."

"Memories are fickle things. They're insubstantial. You can't know he won't forget." Duo finally looked me in the eyes again, no trace of a smile anywhere on his face. "But Quatre, just because you don't have anything physical to remind you doesn't mean he wasn't there. You should know that. Isn't it part of your philosophy?"

I looked down at my hands, balled up in my lap. I could barely hear my own voice. "I don't want him to forget. I don't want him to forget me. _I _ don't want to forget him."

Duo smiled, and picked up his bowl again. "You won't. You're too nice. You end up caring too much to forget."

I watched as he started shoveling food into his mouth again. After a moment, I stood. "I'm sorry. I really don't feel like eating right now."

Duo's eyes followed me as he chewed. "Wha' abou' your foo'?"

"You can eat it, if you'd like."

I headed to the storage bay again. I needed to relax…to float away without thinking. There was too much in my head to meditate or just it alone. Music was always a good escape. Duo would be too busy finished off my meal to care if this time I actually played something.

The violin all but vibrated in my hands, singing for the music to be released. I touched the bow to the strings, and felt stillness settle over me as I began tuning. The wood cradled against me, the texture of the metal strings beneath my fingers, the curve of the bow in my hand…it was from another place, another world, another time. Closing my eyes, I let my fingers pick out the melody, just floating, not concentrating, not thinking about anything except what the moment felt like.

The notes that flowed from me were slow, languid, contemplative. _Something older, then, familiar, and comforting. Like a dream. Floating away into a dream. Clausen. Rene Clausen. The Scottish poem. _

Once I my ear had caught up with my fingers, I put a little more feeling into the piece, allowing myself to concentrate on the details, trying to make the familiar melody just a little better than the last time I'd played it. After a moment, I let myself drift again, and the music changed again. Faster, this time, making me work a little more to keep to the beat.

__

More advanced, but still an older piece. Cheerful…no, not cheerful, just singing. Praising. Have to keep the fingers moving into exactly the right places, the harmonies are precise. Bowing arm's still fresh, I can keep up fine. Handel. Something by Handel. Only Handel's this precise.

This time I didn't draw the piece out. It was too exact for so early on. This time the mood shifted to something less lofty, more down to earth. A fiddle melody, one of my favorites that I'd know for years and never tired of. I identified it almost immediately and let myself indulge in playing through the reel twice before allowing myself to drift again. The music stayed more on the modern side now, improvising in newer styles and with less classical overtones. I stopped listening consciously and let the sounds weave around me, the worried of earlier forgotten.

__

This is peace. Whatever goes on in the world, this is what peace is.

My violin settled on a song, something much more recent but just as familiar, a melodic minor that added to my feelings of contentment…until I heard the echoes of flute in my mind's ear and realized what song I was playing.

I stopped, abruptly, and gently set the instrument down. After making sure everything was safely in its place within the case, I lowered the lid and closed the latches. Then I sat, looking at the closed black case, but seeing another time altogether.

Two years. Nearly two years earlier, yet the memory was a clear and real as always. I don't think any of us knew how soon things were going to come to a boil. Trowa may have. I'll never know. He didn't say a word. He only smiled less.

I loved his smile.

"Trowa? Relax. Just have fun with it."

Trowa looked at me. "I didn't know you were a teacher, too."

I wanted to frown, but turned the expression into a smile. "I didn't know you were that funny, either."

Trowa's expression clearly told me how pointless he found that comment. He crossed his arms and looked out the window.

It was one day when we could just spend time doing nothing. I wanted to just spend it with Trowa. He hadn't objected, but it was growing clear that he would rather be alone.

I wanted to see him smile. He looked so different when he smiled. So…soft. So incredible. Somehow, when he smiled, it was like he was more…himself. Like it was the only time he wasn't consumed by another identity, or lack thereof.

"We should try and have fun today. You need to relax. You're tense. I can see it from how you're holding yourself."

Trowa raised an eyebrow and continued looking outside.

I frowned, first at him and then at the flute sitting on the table next to him. I sighed, and set my violin against my shoulder. I was already tuned, and I'd managed to get a little out of Trowa before he set off to his brooding. It took only seconds for the string to hum warmly, sending the notes into the air. 

After a moment, Trowa looked back. "You played that after that first battle."

"The day we met?" I smiled, still playing. "Yes, I did. It's one of my favorite pieces."

"I thought we improvised."

"You did. It's a violin solo, but I like what you added. It filled it out more."

Trowa shrugged, and listened in silence. After a bit, he picked up the flute. "You remember it that well?"

"Of course. It was a good day. "

He eyed the flute for a moment. "You know, I can't play and talk at the same time like you are."

I smiled. "Since when are you much for talking?"

Trowa looked at me and my heart skipped as that slight smile played on his lips for a moment. He brought the flute to his lips and joined in.

Everything about playing with him was perfect, every time. Just being with him felt perfect, too…absolutely right. He complemented me like his accompaniment to my solo. I smiled so much around him sometimes I thought my face would crack and all the happiness would spill out…and he'd smile back at me.

After about six reels, I called out over the music. "Relaxing yet?"

His eyes met mine, making my blood pound in my ears, and the quirk in his eyebrow and at the corner of his lips told me that he was, but not willing to admit it. I smiled inwardly. "My fingers are going to cramp soon. Let's break after this verse."

He nodded, and we finished playing to the end. I set down my violin and stretched my fingers. "You remembered what you played pretty well, Trowa."

He shrugged, and looked away. "It was a good day."

"I'm glad you remembered."

"Why?"

"It makes me happy that you remember that day so well, that's all."

He crossed his arms again. "You're always happy, Quatre."

"Why shouldn't I be? It's beautiful outside, we have some free time, and I'm spending it with my best friend."

Trowa looked over at me, and the strength of his gaze made me slide back in my seat. "And the rest of the time?"

I thought about it for a moment. "I know what I'm fighting for. I have friends here, too. There's no reason to be sad about what we can't change. The fact we're changing what we can is reason enough to be happy."

We lapsed into silence again. Trowa's bangs completely obscured one eye. He crossed and uncrossed his legs. I smiled as I watched him. _His eyes are so deep. You can get lost in that gaze. He hardly needs to talk. His eyes speak for him._

"Why are you watching me like that?"

I blinked, startled, and his words set in. "Oh…nothing. You look more relaxed now"

"You watch me all the time. I don't like people watching me. Stop it."

I wilted. "Sorry. I didn't realize. I'll stop."

"That's what I asked."

The room was warm from the sunshine filtering in, but where I sat the air was frigid. Trowa was looking at me with that unreadable expression of his. "Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Watch me."

"I don't have a reason."

"Just because I prefer not to talk about everything doesn't mean I'm stupid, Quatre."

His tone stung. I flinched back from it. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply you were."

"Don't apologize. Just tell me."

I couldn't meet his eyes. Duo may have teased me about the whole affair, but this was the first sign Trowa had shown of noticing. And I still hadn't said a word. "You're my best friend, Trowa. I watch you because I care about you."

"That's not why. You're a bad liar, Quatre"

I looked up, hoping he could see the sincerity in my eyes. "No, it is. I care about you, Trowa. I…I really care a great deal."

Trowa stared back at me for a long moment. It was hard to not lower my eyes. I was blushing. I could feel it. Trowa didn't seem to notice.

Finally, after a short eternity, he turned back to the window without speaking. I forced the words past the knot of nerves in my throat. "Are…Aren't you going to say something?"

"What do you want me to say?"

His words weren't cruel, and his voice no colder than normal. He wasn't angry…it was as if he hadn't understood. "Well, usually you're supposed to respond if-"

"I don't want to talk anymore."

My heart cried out.

__

You don't have to! I just want three words…just three! Then you can brood in silence all you want…I just want you to say three words!

Trowa picked up the flute again, and played, softly, wispily. Without another word, I joined him.

As the day ended, as the war ended, as we all parted, he never gave any indication that he ever understood what I had meant.

The black of my violin case seemed to absorb all the light. It's form blurred before my eyes, became indistinguishable from the rest of the bay as if wiggled out of focus ad grew watery. I let it all wash away with the tears in my eyes. I let them fall.

__

You never knew. It wasn't that you didn't care, you just never knew. A day was just a day. But that first day, when we fought and you surrendered, when we first met…it wasn't just another day to me. It was a beginning. But to you…it's just a day. Just like the day I told you was just a day. And you never understood the words I said. You never knew what I felt.

I slid to my knees and bent over, elbows pressed to the cool metal floor, hands covering my head, face buried in the crook of my arms. _I'll never forget. I can't ever forget. But if none of it had any meaning to you, why should you remember?_

The tears came faster now, hot against my arms. My breath caught against the lump in my throat, choking its way out in a sob. I rocked, slowly, back and forth on my heels, unaware that I was doing so. _Oh, Trowa, I don't want you to forget. I don't want to just be a dream of yours, I want to be real to you, realer than anything else. You're my world…I want to be yours. Trowa, Trowa, I don't want all of us to be a dream…_

I love you so much, Trowa. I…that's what I wanted to say. I love you, and I can't ever stop, even if I wanted to.

I heard footsteps behind me. "Hey, Quatre, why'd you stop pl-"

I looked up at Duo standing just a short distance from me, and rubbed at my eyes furiously. He looked startled. "What…"

I sat up, and tried to answer. "I-"

The world blurred again as my voice cracked on the single word…I didn't see Duo move. I only knew what happened when I felt arms pulling me forwards, found myself against the dark fabric of his shirt. A hand rested on my head. "Quatre, I'm sorry."

I gave up and let myself weep as we neared our destination and the end of our entire journey.


	3. Duet

"Here we are again."

I looked at the three of us, almost as if I weren't there, as if I were an outsider observing the scene. Duo stood to one side and slightly before us, holding the detonator in one hand, smiling, while the faint breeze played through his hair. I stood in the middle, just like any other day, smiling with relief and some other secret emotion, almost at attention but still relaxed. 

To the other side, close enough that I could have reached out and touched his hand, was Trowa, eyes unreadable as always, hair moving gently in the breeze, still as a statue, face emotionless as porcelain. Completely breathtaking.

"Is it really over this time?" he said quietly. Not worried, not sad…just a simple question. 

"I think so. No," I amended, "This time it is."

"How can you be sure?"

This time it wasn't a simple question. After long enough, you'd get to understand what he meant, even if his tone never changed. "You don't. You trust in human nature. We're unreliable, but we do learn. This time, I think we've learned. Not forever, but we won't have to fight again while we can remember."

Duo shot me a glare filled with humor. "Lighten up, Quatre. No more philosophizing right now, this isn't the time to be serious!"

"That's unfair, Duo. Why aren't you telling that to Trowa, too?"

"Because he's the silent wonder. If he says an entire sentence the world stops."

Trowa didn't blink, and Duo grinned. "I'm off to take care of this, then."

I nodded. Trowa still didn't move until Duo had turned away from us again. Then he looked right at me, flicked his eyes towards Duo, and rolled them upwards. I fought hard to keep from laughing. Everyone once in a while, he'd surprise me like that…even now.

We both turned back to watch as Duo set off the destruction of our three Gundams. _An entire war…a whole other conflict, so soon after the first…I missed almost all of it. I was involved, but not here. I had to wait till the end to see us all together again, and now we're going our separate ways once more. Wufei's already gone, Duo hasn't told us what Heero was planning, and soon Trowa will go back to the circus, Duo back to his much more peaceful life, and me back to my home and travels. _

But this time, at least, I didn't have to fight any of them again.

Beside me, I could hear a faint exhalation from Trowa, and peered at him from the corner of my eye. There wasn't any change in his expression…but something in his pose said there was something troubling him.

"I'm back to being nameless," he said simply as the noise died down. 

There was a pain in that statement, a resigned anguish that cut through me. I had to turn to him. Duo wouldn't have noticed, but I had, even if Trowa had no idea.

He didn't resume his previous rigidness as I turned towards him, and I knew he didn't know I had heard the ache in his words. I didn't know what I meant to say, but when I did say it, I completely meant everything. "I don't think it makes a difference. Trowa is Trowa.."

Trowa's head turned, and his eyes stared directly into mine. Duo had moved to the other side of him, and looked at me as well, grinning. I hardly noticed. I couldn't break away from that deep gaze.

He was surprised. He never looked anyone in the eyes so far as I knew, with the exception perhaps of Catherine. But other than that, I couldn't read a thing. It was like staring into the eyes of a painting.

Still, I couldn't look away. 

I smiled, hoping it didn't betray the uneasiness I felt beneath that gaze…uneasy because I couldn't tell what he was looking for, uneasy because of the minnows skipping through my stomach. Before the silence could grow, I tore my eyes away and looked at Duo. "Don't you think?"

Duo shrugged good-naturedly. "Names are for other people to call you. It's no use changing that. Anyway, we've got some place to go home to, right?"

Trowa finally looked away from me, focusing his gaze on the horizon again. "You're right."

He lapsed into silence again. Duo leaned back a bit to flash me a bigger grin and wink. I smiled back, feigning a cheeriness I didn't feel in the least.

"Hey." Duo ran a hand through his bangs, and crossed his arms. "I've gotta get back to check on some stuff before I leave. You two planning on coming by tomorrow? Last chance, man."

The smile warmed into a real one. "Of course, Duo."

Trowa gave a short nod. Duo made an exasperated face at him and waved. "Right. I'll see you guys then. See ya!"

"Bye, Duo!" I waved back as he strode away. I continued watching until he was almost invisible in the distance before looking back at Trowa. "Do you need to go anywhere?"

"Not really."

"Are you planning on staying here all night, or doing something later?"

Trowa kept watching the fading flashes of flame and light that were all that remained of the last evidence of our war. He shrugged, and didn't answer.

The shadows cast on his face from his hair nearly obscured his eyes in darkness. I wanted to look more closely, see if the pain I'd heard was still there, aching, raw…I wanted to brush back his bangs and just stare into his eyes and get lost all over again, even if it felt like it had a moment ago. I wanted to do so much, but I didn't. I didn't even continue looking at him.

After all, I'd told him I wouldn't.

__

This might be my last chance to really be near him. I'm supposed to believe we'll meet again…but if we don't…I won't risk it.

But I have to tell him…

"Trowa?"

Trowa glanced over at the low tone of my voice, but I sensed it more than saw…I couldn't bring myself to look away from my hands. "If you don't have to leave yet…"

It was a moment before he answered. "I don't."

I curled my fingers into my palm, then relaxed them. "Do you want to talk?"

There was a hint of mixed annoyance and humor in his response. "Do _I_ want to talk?"

"I mean…" I made myself relax. "Can we talk? I…we need to."

There was a rustle of sound, and I could see Trowa's feet as he took a few steps closer and turned to face me head on. "All right."

I looked up, surprised. He didn't seem angry or even bored…but curious. I told myself to stop shaking, clear my mind, let myself be soothed, meditate, whatever it took to cam down. Nothing was working. So I simply hoped against hope that I could get through this.

"Do you remember that day…right before everything went crazy during the first war?" _When we played…_

The melody ran through the back of my mind, soothing, a trigger to happy memories. But there was something missing. 

__

I'm playing alone….

Trowa was standing almost ramrod straight now, no longer relaxed, clearly growing annoyed. I still couldn't speak.

__

He didn't ever go first, except that one time, after I told him and he didn't understand. I start, and he follows…but complements.

"The day," I managed, "when I kept telling you to relax, and-"

"I remember."

The echoes played in my head, two melodies, discordant, different, yet somehow melding. But not well, not yet…

"Well…" I took a deep breath. "Do you remember what I told you?"

"About relaxing?"

"No." I made myself look at him. "About why I watched you so much."

"You still do."

The faint humor in the previous statement had gone out of his voice. I frowned. "Trowa, don't."

He shrugged.

"Do you remember?"

"Yes."

I realized I'd been holding my breath. "Well…I want to talk about that."

Trowa nodded. "Fine with me."

This wasn't the first time. This wasn't our first goodbye. I had tried to tell him once before, but hadn't been able to. The memory made me all the more determined this time.

"Trowa, can we talk?"

"Sure." He sat on the edge of the scaffolding in the bay, making hardly a sound on the rattling metal, and looked back at me. "What about?"

"Well…" I hoped I didn't look at terrified as I felt. "You're leaving tomorrow, right?"

"In the morning, yeah."

"I…" The words caught in my throat. "I just wanted to talk before you left."

"We're talking. Sit down."

I did, gingerly, every little creak and rattle sounding terrifyingly loud to my ears and shaking my courage with each noise. "You're going with Catherine?"

"Yeah. I've been with the same group for a long time. It's the closest thing I have to a home."

"Even including this place?"

Trowa's eyes were dark. "There's not much tying me here. No one knows me well enough."

The words sprang from me before I could stop them. "I do!"

Trowa looked at me, and I could feel the rush of heat to my face. He seemed to take no notice. His voice was low. "Do you?"

I had to look away. "I'm sorry."

He didn't answer. We sat in silence for a long moment, me feeling embarrassed and barely clinging to my resolve to confess, him completely unreadable. Finally, he spoke. "They don't think of me as anything there but Pierre. I'm one of the clowns. I'm not a fighter, I'm not a nobody, and I'm not Trowa Barton. I'm not Pierre, but it's easier than being any of the others."

__

I don't see you as anything but you, I thought, but couldn't manage to speak the words.

"You're lucky," he continued. "You have people to return to, a home…"

"I don't want to go back!"

Trowa looked at me with startlement clearly written across his face. I rarely had any outbursts like that…I tried not to. But this time, with so little chance left… "I want to stay with you," I whispered.

Trowa leaned back. "I know the feeling. The four of you are almost like a real home."

__

That's not what I meant! I wanted to shout. _I want to stay with just you, just Trowa…I don't ever want to leave you!_

But all the courage had drained out of me. I smiled, forced, hiding behind cheerful, sweet Quatre who never looks at the darker side. "Yeah. Exactly. But we'll manage right?"

"Yeah, we will."

That time hadn't been goodbye. I wasn't going to risk this one really being farewell forever.

"Trowa, I don't think you understood what I meant that day."

"Of course I did."

"No." I looked at the sky, starting to purple at the edges with coming night. "I really think you didn't."

It took me a moment to form the words in my mind, in my mouth, ready to be spoken. The melodies played in my head, still meshed but not one, steadying me somehow. "Trowa, I worry about you. A lot. You don't let anyone see, but whether or not you agree, I know you better than anyone else except maybe Catherine. You hurt. You don't think you have anything or anyone, that you're just nobody, and it hurts you."

I dropped my gaze. "You're wrong, though. You are someone, someone very important…very important to me."

Trowa might've been looking at me, or he might not have. I was too busy phrasing the melody of words and emotions to notice if he was or not. "I care about you more than you can imagine, Trowa. I don't care who you are or who you aren't, where you're from or what your past might be…I just care about the Trowa I met and fought beside and shared so many experiences with and…the Trowa who played such beautiful music with me, who complements everything around him without even trying, who…who makes me feel finished.

"You have yourself, Trowa. You're important to so many of us, not just me. And whether or not you know anything about who you are or where you belong, you need to know that…that I…"

The silence had gotten to me. The melody was gone. I looked up at him, faltering, the words dying on my lips. His eyes were empty, reflecting back at me only my own pale face.

I turned away. "That I'll remember you, no matter…"

"You're a bad liar, Quatre. And I did know what you meant the first time. You're an open book."

I lifted my head, still not looking at him, but surprised. Trowa's voice was matter-of-fact, simple, just stating the truth. "You're in love with me. I figured it out even before that day. Since I already know, can you say it now?"

I couldn't hold back the few tear burning in my eyes, and hoped no more would come. "There's no reason to."

Silence. 

Then: "I'd like to hear you say it, though."

There was something strange in his voice, something I didn't recognize. _Contempt, probably. Or mockery. Or pity… _I kept my head up but didn't turn. I was striving for the song again, the melody that flooded my happiest moment, my most precious memory. I concentrated, distancing myself from the moment, trying to put myself back to the time I most treasured. "I love you, Trowa."

I wanted music. I wanted that world where nothing existed except the notes I played, far from this one. _Why can't I find it?_

"Me too."

Everything snapped back into reality, and I turned, unbelieving. "What?"

Trowa's eyes bore into mine, still impassive, but closer. He was standing right behind me. "Me too."

I blinked, confused. "You too what?"

He suddenly looked away…he never looked away first. "You all know I'm terrible with words, Quatre. Even you joke about it."

I suddenly needed to look at him, really look at him…but I didn't dare touch him. I somehow managed to make the words loud enough to be heard. "You only need to use three, if you want to…"

He looked back at me, and the strange note was back in his voice. It trembled there, a faint tremolo that pleaded and hoped. "Quatre…I'm…in love. With you."

I closed my eyes and everything was still bright. "That was three more than necessary. You're not as silent as you pretend to be."

Trowa's eyes flickered, filled with the hope and plea that his voice had held. "Quatre…"

"That's just who you are." I smiled at him, hearing the music of the coming night…the wind, the cicadas, the crickets, the birdsong dying away with the chill. "I don't mind at all. You're certainly the loudest flautist I've heard in a long time. That should make up for it."

He looked at me, the lost look fading to be replaced by more usual questioning. I shook my head, and leaned against him. After a moment, he awkwardly let an arm rest over my shoulders. I was close enough to hear his heartbeat, the sound of his breath, everything. It matched my own…not a separate melody of its own, but one that went hand in hand with mine.

"Thank you," he whispered after a moment, and those words sent all the greatest music into mere memory.


End file.
